One of my all time favorite Beatles songs is “Fixing a Hole” from Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. I am especially fond of the lyric, “I’m taking the time for a number of things that weren’t important yesterday.” It is such a hopeful and forward thinking line implying that there is always tomorrow, always another chance to grow and change. It is high time I took some time for things that weren’t important yesterday.
Over the last three months, I’ve gone from a really fit and happy person, to a flabbier version of myself. I’ve gained more than 10 pounds of the 40-odd I’d lost since moving here. I’ve stopped exercising on a consistent basis, and that has made all the difference. I’ve also started eating far too much and too many of the wrong foods. I need to set a better example for my kids, but — more importantly — I need to go back to the level of care that I took of myself, for myself. Somewhere in the mix of the last 3 months, I lost my healthy focus on me. It’s not about narcissism or being selfish or self centered. It’s about loving me first so that I have something to give others. I need to return to that.
It couldn’t hurt my attitude any to do that. Lately, I’ve been in a funk that I’ve tried like hell to drag myself out of. I’ve been stressed out about all sorts of things going on, and annoyed as hell about every little thing. Mind you, sometimes I’m totally justified in being annoyed — like when my son removes all of the cords plugged into the power strip in the office just so he can take the netbook into the living room, or when my adolescent daughter expects me to read her mind and know things she hasn’t told me. Being a mom is stressful under the best of circumstances. From my previous posts one can deduce that our situation is not always the best. Sometimes I forget what a blessing my kids are and I get really pissed. I know I’m neither the first nor the only mama to do that, but I hate it when I do.
Like many with addictive personalities, I sometimes lose sight of the joy in front of me to pursue the adventures I can only imagine. In short, I forget to stop and smell the roses. I miss my long runs and the precious solitude they provided. I could turn my attention away from my daily stresses toward the beautiful scenery around me: fields of corn and soybeans, bright sunshine or light snow, wood smoke or dewy flowers. I miss the sun on my back in good weather, and the snowflakes plastered to my eyebrows and eyelashes during the picturesque Oberlin winters. I miss taking the spin classes my friend Stori leads. No one kicks my ass like her! I miss swimming laps, trying my best to get stronger and improve my technique. I swam a mile once. I didn’t even realize that was an accomplishment until I told folks I’d done it. I need to get back to those simple pleasures in my life.
I miss the days when I could practice 5 or 6 hours a day. I loved practicing that much and hearing the results. I discovered so much about myself as a musician in those long practice sessions. I was transported to another place. It was heavenly.
Then again, there’s always this blog. I love to write and this blog provided me with the opportunity to do that. Mostly, I do it for me, but I do enjoy getting feedback from friends. What I really love is knowing that I’ve written something that resonates with other folks. I’ve worn many hats in my life: daughter, student, musician, performer, teacher, wife, lover, mother… whew! And life’s not even close to being over — I hope. There’s so much left I want to do, and I want to put it all in writing.
So here I am taking stock again. Step 10. Who am I? What to I believe? What kind of woman do I want to be? Who do the people around me think I am?
“There are times when all the world’s asleep, the questions run so deep for such a simple man. Won’t you please tell me what we’ve learned? I know it sounds absurd. Please, tell me who I am?
Supertramp, from the Logical Song.
Who do I want others to see? The best Lisa I can be. I am not, nor will I ever be, perfect. I don’t want to be. I want to love and be loved. I want to be forgiven when I’m wrong. I want to do for others and still do things for me. I want to live. I am alive and happy to be alive.
I want to smell every flower and enjoy every moment. I’m taking the time for a number of things that weren’t important yesterday. I’m fixing a hole where the rain gets in and stops my mind from wandering where it will go. That hole is getting smaller with every workout I get through, every note I play, and every word I type.
Getting so much better all the time 🙂