Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Hello again.  It’s been awhile.  Sounds suspiciously like the beginning of a sappy pop tune from the 70’s…

The last two months have been very busy here and I have missed blogging a lot.  It’s not that I haven’t had things to write.  I just haven’t had two seconds to rub together to write anything.  Life has been full of the little details that make our days full.  Life is, as John Lennon so aptly put it, what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.  Blogging must have been my other plan.

A few weeks after I last wrote, John and I celebrated 20 years of marriage.  Ten days later I turned 44.  We celebrated with a vacation to Savannah — just the two of us.  It was wonderfully relaxing and fun.  I don’t get to relax much, so I tried to savor every second.  Mostly, I tried not to feel really old.  Sometimes I do feel old, and sometimes I look at my face and can’t figure out how it’s changed.  To me I look exactly the same, and to most others too.

Now I find myself in a time of transition.  I am finishing up one job that I am leaving and preparing to move in a new direction.  I am doing what I can to help smooth Imani’s transition to high school in the fall.  I am keeping tabs on Iain and his new meds.  We are thinking of refinancing our mortgage and making other decisions about money.  My china pursuits have slowed as my flower buying/landscaping pursuits have flourished.  I have successfully started to make this house my home.  Baby steps.

I am unsettled in my heart.  This is not an unfamiliar feeling.  Actually, it is an old friend.  I have been an unsettled soul most of my life.  It is an effort to sit back and enjoy the moment I’m in.  My mind races with thoughts.  I am examining my heart and uncovering some deep and painful resentments.  I want to be a better person and move on.  The spirit is willing and the flesh is so weak.  Tomorrow is another day.

Thank you, Scarlet.

Maybe it’s just late and I need to sleep.  Maybe I need to practice.  Maybe I miss my Boo Boo (gone again…).  Maybe I’d rather do anything else but look at myself honestly.  It’s so hard to engage in self examination without feeling like the biggest asshole on the planet.  Still, I have to remember, the world doesn’t revolve around me.  I am not the center of the universe, neither when I’m good nor when I’m bad.  I am unique, but in the common way in which we are all one of a kind.  The fate of mankind does not depend on my mood or actions.  I am just another human seeking salvation and peace.  I only hope to have a witness to this life of mine.  We all need a witness.

Frank Sinatra said it best: mistakes, I’ve made a few.  I’m still doing it my way, Frankie.  No other way for me to do it.

I wish I could write some startling revelation or the answer to the deepest questions of the universe, but tonight I’ve got nothing.  All I have are the self indulgent ramblings of a middle aged woman with tired feet and an exhausted mind.  I’ve just missed putting it all down on paper (in a cyber sense…) and letting it all go — uncluttering my very cluttered brain.  Perhaps the greatest observation one can make is that life is made up of the earthshattering and the mundane, that the time between the moments we call “defining” are defining moments in and of themselves.  Each moment is its on miracle, its own revelation of something to someone.  There is beauty and significance to every breath we take (cue Sting).  Even in the chaos of the the world in its fallen state, we can find moments of heaven and peace.  It’s right there, just out of reach and only attainable if you’re willing to seek the quiet within.  All you risk is having to face your true self and forgive yourself.  Doesn’t it all begin with forgiveness?

Perhaps there was a point to this after all.