I originally wrote and shared this note on Facebook 7 years ago today. A lot has changed, almost all for the better. It is good to have this perspective on my son, especially in light of his most recent challenges. He was not quite 6 years old when I wrote this. He is now nearly 13 and standing at the threshold of manhood. My autistic child is quickly becoming an autistic man.
Can’t is not the word to accurately describe him
He can
He chooses not to and
Screams at the first sign of the derailment
Of his plans
The tantrums are huge
He is heavy
Dead weight
Flailing arms and legs
I try to see the situation from inside his mind
The questions:
Why can’t I?
Why do I have to do it your way?
My way is so much better than yours
Than the way of the world
My world makes sense to me
I can,
But only my way
Stop trying to make me see through your eyes
See through mine
From my point of view
All I see is the tantrum
The eyes of judgment surrounding me
Cutting me to the quick
Judging my baby to be
A brat
But I know he’s still my baby
I know him in his quiet moments
Not loud and awful as he is now
I know him tenderly
Intimately
I know his secret heart
And I love him
Secretly I think it’s all my fault
I number my “if only’s”
Like astronomers number the stars
If I didn’t eat that
If I tried harder
Worked with him
Stayed home, went out more
I drive myself insane
And nothing ever changes
Except my boy
He is the child that won’t
Disguised as the boy who can’t
He is the demon seed
He is the angel
He is the lover, the fighter
He is the best of me
The worst of me
He is my baby
I know his secret heart
And I love him
violamom2tellsall 