The Child That Won’t

I originally wrote and shared this note on Facebook 7 years ago today.  A lot has changed, almost all for the better.  It is good to have this perspective on my son, especially in light of his most recent challenges. He was not quite 6 years old when I wrote this. He is now nearly 13 and standing at the threshold of manhood. My autistic child is quickly becoming an autistic man.
Can’t is not the word to accurately describe him

He can

He chooses not to and

Screams at the first sign of the derailment

Of his plans

The tantrums are huge

He is heavy

Dead weight

Flailing arms and legs

I try to see the situation from inside his mind

The questions:

Why can’t I?

Why do I have to do it your way?

My way is so much better than yours

Than the way of the world

My world makes sense to me

I can,

But only my way

Stop trying to make me see through your eyes

See through mine

From my point of view

All I see is the tantrum

The eyes of judgment surrounding me

Cutting me to the quick

Judging my baby to be

A brat

But I know he’s still my baby

I know him in his quiet moments

Not loud and awful as he is now

I know him tenderly


I know his secret heart

And I love him

Secretly I think it’s all my fault

I number my “if only’s”

Like astronomers number the stars

If I didn’t eat that

If I tried harder

Worked with him

Stayed home, went out more

I drive myself insane

And nothing ever changes

Except my boy

He is the child that won’t

Disguised as the boy who can’t

He is the demon seed

He is the angel

He is the lover, the fighter

He is the best of me

The worst of me

He is my baby

I know his secret heart

And I love him


Author: violamom2

I'm a musician, wife, mom of two amazing kids, teacher, writer, knitter, diversity advocate, and budding entrepreneur. Not bad for 52, huh?

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