Today has been an especially rough day in the midst of a lot of difficult stuff going on.
I am very public in my feelings a lot of the time. I’ve had folks accuse me of attention seeking behavior. Since I am, by training, a performer, I suppose there is an element of truth to the idea that I seek and enjoy attention. However, I truly believe that I have chosen to live out loud and tell my story because I know I am not unique. We all have a story. Mine might be more or less interesting and exciting than another, but it is like everyone else’s in a lot of ways. Perhaps some element of my story will give someone the courage to speak up, speak out, or get help. Maybe it will make someone having a crappy day laugh. Maybe someone will smile because some part of my life resonates with their own. Or maybe someone will read this and just say “who gives a shit?” All of those responses are possible and valid. If you don’t think what I write is relevant, or, worse than that, you think it’s all a bunch of self-indulgent bullshit written by a middle-aged whiner, then you have my permission to move along. My blog isn’t for you. It’s for me. If it touches someone else’s heart (and by the responses I’ve received I can tell it has), then it is for them too. If you think I’m a self-centered bore, you’ve missed the point I’ve been trying to make.
I am a flawed human being sharing my crazy life with other flawed human beings. I experience the same pain, joy, fear, sorrow, and grumpiness that everyone else does.
Today, I heard back about something that was very important to me and my family, and the answer was no. That simple no was dropped squarely onto a pile of other no’s, I don’t knows, no you can’ts, and we’ll have to wait and sees. That no was literally the straw that broke my back and my spirit, all in the 30 seconds before I pulled into the parking lot at my job. I could feel myself breaking apart: my mind, my body, my spirit. I was crushed under the weight of that no and I momentarily felt as if the world were crashing down all around me. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but maybe you’ve felt that way too once or twice.
Of course, I know my life isn’t over. Frankly, my family can’t afford for my life to be over in the sense that I can’t just sit and cry in a parking lot and skip work because I only get paid directly for the work I do. Briefly, for a fleeting moment, I had a George Bailey moment in which I realized that I was (on paper, anyway) worth more dead than alive. That thought scared the hell out of my husband who heard me remark as I realized it (sorry, Boo Boo). It scared me too. Mostly, I was just tremendously hurt and pissed off and feeling sorry for myself.
I’ve given myself 24 hours to feel crappy, cry, watch bad tv, and eat food that is unequivocally bad for me (chicken and bacon ranch pizza, anyone?). That’s all I get. I will set aside one day to feel the feelings and not run. After that, I need to move on to what’s next. There are folks I don’t think I’ll be able to talk to for a while, and that’s what it is. I need time and distance to fully heal this wound. I need to honestly acknowledge the pain without wallowing in it and letting it take me over. Today life sucks. Shit happens.
I hope I have a tomorrow so that I can have a better day. If not, I hope that I have just one moment of forgetfulness before I go to bed. I just want one moment to forget the pain and smile at something. I haven’t had it yet, but I’m hopeful.
I’m tired and I feel a bit lost now. That’s probably a pretty natural feeling following a big disappointment. I won’t be lost forever, I know. My family gives my life structure, meaning, purpose, and direction. They love me and they need me. They can give me this one day off, but after that it’s back in the saddle again.
This too shall pass. I heard a friend of mine say that just yesterday. It’s never been a favorite phrase of mine, but it is timely and true. This too shall pass: the good, the bad, and the ugly. It all passes away to make room for the next. I’m at the bottom of the roller coaster today and I guess it will go back up at some point. I don’t want to miss that.
It struck me earlier today that last night’s post “Life On Life’s Terms” was prophetic in a way. Life chose to kick my ass today and I have to accept that. I can’t change it. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. Even though the bag of shit I carry, just like everyone else’s bag of shit, sprung a leak today, I have to keep moving on — if only to get away from the smell.
Five or six years ago, I would’ve worried about what this pain would lead me to do to myself. I’m not worried today. That’s a blessing.
I hope to have a better day tomorrow. I hope that things will get better on all fronts. I really hope that I can keep doing the next right thing until I find my way.